What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though – he woke up.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending.
The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn’t find any.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved.